Why Can’t We Do Couples Therapy If There Is Violence In The Relationship?

Couple’s Counseling Needs Safety

Couples therapy is generally sought out when there is consistent conflict and/or distance in the relationship. Often, that discord is left to fester far longer than it should, before help is requested, making violence in a relationship a frequent issue for people seeking couples counseling. So why can’t we do couples therapy under these circumstances, if it’s so common?

The simple explanation is safety. When couples have already crossed the line of either physical altercations, or verbal rage, it indicates there is a pile up of anger and resentment that has not been able to be diffused together, in fact the flame remains burning until the next spark flies and a firestorm is set off. Resolutions have not occurred, problem solving is non-existent, and avoidance doesn’t reduce the effects. Therapy itself can be a very provocative experience, in both individuals or couples therapy. Emotions get stirred up and processed, coping skills are taught and practiced, and from those experiences, change is made.

Trust Needs To Be Developed Over Time

It can be a deeply healing experience, which puts out the flames, and begins to lay down a healthier foundation where new and more functional ways of dealing with stress and intense emotions occur. When there has already been a precedence set, a pattern in the relationship, for processing emotion through physical or emotional violence, we need to learn some new coping skills first, to ensure the safety of all parties. Feelings of safety and trust are paramount to heal and grow the individuals and the relationship over time. Restoring this sense of safety takes time. Trust is developed when successful coping skills are implemented over and over.

This does not mean that couples that have violence in their relationships cannot get counseling. The professional standards indicate that both people attend individual counseling first, until stability has been achieved, safety is experienced, and then they can move into couples counseling. All parties in the relationship must feel, and be safe for therapy, to have any kind of effective impact.

Building Communication and Learn To Move Foward

Frequently, once safety measures have been established, individuals will work on their ‘side of the street’ in counseling, and the couple will meet together in counseling, to build effective communication skills, process past hurts, and learn tools to move forward together in meaningful ways.

If you are in an abusive relationship, verbally or physically, or think you may be, you are not alone. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men in the United States have found themselves in severely abusive relationships (http://www.goodtherrapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/domestic-violence). As difficult as it may be to seek out help, know that when you are ready, the Coherence team is here for you.

Resources

San Diego Access and Crisis Line — Dial 211 for 24/7 service
Up2SD.org
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Community Resource Center
No Silence No Violence

If you have questions, comments, or concerns, please call us at 760–942–8663 or info@coherenceassociates.com