How Do I Talk My Husband into Going to Therapy?

Couples counseling can be challenging, even for a seasoned therapist. It’s challenging because couples usually come in for therapy as a last ditch effort to save their marriage, instead of coming in at the first signs of trouble. For many, the warning signs were present years ago, but the couple never sought professional help. All too often I hear the wife say “I tried many times to get us help but he just wouldn’t go to therapy”.

Realize It Before It’s Too Late

The sad reality is that by the time the husband realizes that the marriage is in major trouble and he is finally willing to make much needed changes, the relationship has usually died a death of a thousand cuts, and one or both parties are ready to end it. Once they realize that that the marriage is indeed over, my role often changes from trying to help save the marriage to counseling the couple through divorce proceedings.

I believe that many of these marriages could have been saved had the couple sought help early on. For the ones that couldn’t have been saved, even with the help of a trained therapist, early intervention can often be the difference between a civil parting of the ways, and a contentious divorce that can be very costly and emotionally exhausting.

Many Reasons Why Men are Hesitant About Therapy

Before I get into how to talk to your husband about going to therapy, it is important to understand some of the reasons he probably doesn’t want to go in the first place. Let’s start with the fact that men like to fix things themselves, and going to counseling means having to admit there is a problem that needs fixing, that they haven’t been able to fix themselves. Most are generally not very good at expressing their emotions, and feel inadequate talking to their wives about how they feel, let alone adding another person into the process.

If your husband is the controlling type, he definitely has little interest in having a therapist point that out, and risk losing control. Some men may have had a negative experience with counseling in the past, so they have the perception that all counseling is ineffective. And last, but certainly not least, therapy does cost money and they may feel there are competing financial needs that have higher priority.

Try to Encourage Him

So how do you increase your odds of getting him to participate in the process? I would start by saying that timing is everything. You wouldn’t ask your boss for a raise when he was in a bad mood, would you? The same advice goes for approaching your spouse about counseling. Try to find a time when emotions are low and logic is high, when he will be more receptive to your message. The middle of a major blowout is never a good time to bring up counseling, unless of course you enjoy rejection.

Appeal to his masculine side by pointing out that if he was having transmission problems he would probably go to a transmission mechanic who had the knowledge, tools, and skills to fix the problem with his car, so why not go to a marriage counselor who has their own skillset to deal with relational issues. Let him know that you don’t want him to go to counseling to bash him for his shortcomings, but to allow a trained third party professional to assess and help treat the dynamics between the two of you, which are keeping you both from having a happy marriage.

If he still refuses, it is important that you ask him why he doesn’t want to go. Sometimes he may not even know why. Make sure you use “I” statements when you discuss your feelings with him, instead of the accusatory “you”. You may also suggest that he take an active part in the process by choosing the gender of the therapist he feels comfortable with, or have him decide whether he would prefer to go to an office or have the therapist come to the home. Giving him choices, where his preferences are considered, will help him feel in control of his own participation.

You Can Go To Therapy Together or Alone

If all else fails, you can always go to therapy yourself. Because a marriage is a “system”, a change in one person, often effects a change in the system. That is if you are willing to look at your own issues and how they contribute to the marital discord, and not just blame everything on him. Ironically, some husbands actually start going to therapy after they see positive changes in their wives.

Whether you decide to try counseling as a couple, or by yourself, finding the right therapist for you is important. Let Coherence Associates be your first stop in the process. If we are not the right fit, we will help you find someone who is. The most important thing is that you get started; waiting too long has the potential to further damage the relationship. We all know relationships can be challenging, and they take time and investment to run smoothly. Anything of great value in life requires attention, and tools to grow with. Focusing on your relationship, as a top priority in your life, may be the greatest investment you’ll ever make!

Coherence Associates, Inc.